Girl, your sweet thing won’t always be sweet, by Funke Egbemode
A Playboy can play the field forever or till his penis drops off, or whichever one comes first. A play-girl? No, she must retire quickly, indeed, before everyone notices what she does for a living.
A playgirl, a runs-girl, a courtesan, or a high-class call girl must know when to stop. Only dumb girls play the field endlessly. Is any playgirl reading this? Or is someone reading this who knows a playgirl? Pull her ears and tell her to pull back. A girl is expected to be cool and good. This society, indeed, the African society, does not take kindly to bad girls, even when it is the society that made them bad. Girls are not just expected to become playgirls because life is tough.
We are supposed to be as strong, if not stronger than our mothers. It does not matter that society looks the other way when it pats men on the back for being able to pay for their ‘playthings’, women still get blamed for the badness of everybody involved. And there are many people involved in the making of a playgirl or runs-girl. Yeah, like her parents who accept food items and gifts from their unemployed 18-year-old daughter.
So, is today about call girls and playthings? Well, not totally. But it is about when to stop doing what is bad because it is time to try a good one. That a path is familiar and easy to ride does not mean it will take you to a beautiful destination. Living a soft life is nice and cozy, but it does not mean it is a good thing. Actually, a soft life doesn’t last forever for girls. Comfort zones won’t always be comfortable. All soft girls with no vision and plans for tomorrow will eventually land hard on their backside because they bought no cushion for their future.
Little girl, so your breasts are firm and pointy now, and your sugar daddies are sucking and complimenting you; you think that’s going to last forever? How dumb can you be? Sugar daddies are wired that way. They are designed to suck and suck and compliment soft girls for their soft bosoms so they can suck some more.
They are paying for the firm pointy thingies, but because they want firm things, they do not stick around once what they are holding is no longer firm and succulent. Never mind that they contributed to the loss of succulence, many men just don’t want saggy ‘droopy’ stuff.
Yes, that’s why they left Madam at home. Because the once-upon-a-time firm twin peaks are no longer standing right. They are now looking at Madam’s toes.
Little lady, your cleavages won’t always be that tight, and your tummy won’t always be firm. Your life won’t always be soft. You have predecessors, and your successors are already lined up. You have a tenure, and trust me, your impeachment will not be announced or debated. A soft girl’s tenure on the soft lane usually ends abruptly.
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A more beautiful, better-stacked girl will come on the scene. Her skin will be spotless, her legs straight and smooth, disappearing into very voluptuous hips that leave a righteous man thinking unrighteous things. In case you still don’t understand, picture this: one day, Chief is all over you, and the next, you can’t reach all his lines.
That’s it. He has sworn in your successor. It is what it is. No matter how delicious roasted corn is, nobody keeps the corn cobs. No matter how sweet an orange is, once the juice has been sucked and the fruit is flat, the dustbin or trash can is its next destination.
I confess that this piece was inspired by this young lady who used to flaunt her latest iPhone. I used to see her on my street. I was attracted to her attractiveness. Last week, she greeted me, and what she was holding was a small, really small phone. Yes, the #15,000 one. Her iPhone was stolen at a party, and the torchlight phone was all she could afford. I later learned that her ‘yahoo’ boyfriend has moved on to a more succulent orange, and sisi is generally broke.
See? She’s been impeached without notice and given no opportunity to defend herself. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Bone-straight wigs in all lengths, the latest iPhones, and skimpy dresses are the worst items a runs-girl can focus on. They are transient fashion. What we are wearing now, what’s in vogue now, will be out next season. That you can tell a man to jump, and he asks how high, does not mean he will always be that attentive. As soon as your breasts start bowing before their maker and he’s bored with your wheelbarrow position, access to his money may dry up. Omoge, buy yourself a plot of land instead of a dozen lace-front wigs. Start a business instead of investing only in phones. Improve yourself, take online courses, and get out of the whore zone.
Tell yourself you are better than being any man’s plaything because you are. Channel your skill-to-charm into acquiring further marketing skills. Don’t just sit on your pretty backside and wait to be thrown out of an apartment one man rented for you. Save yourself some water before the well dries up because it will.
Convincing yourself or letting your fellow lazybones friends convince you that this soft life is forever is one of the greatest disservices you can do to yourself. Your assets are depreciating. Your shares will lose value, and you will eventually find out that a full bottle of foundation and concealer will not be able to conceal your age. Life will retire you, and whether you hand over the baton in this relay race or not, you will be done one day, totally done.
Madam Kept-Woman, your High Chief keeper is most likely a lover passing by. He’s spoiling you now, but don’t let it get into your head. You are already in your 40s. Shine your eyes. Owambe every Saturday shouldn’t be your priority. Aso-ebi every month means you are not as smart as you look.
How much have you spent on Ankara, lace, gele, Aso-Oke, and Damask in the last six months? Do the math and ask yourself where you are wearing those ‘uniforms’ to in the next six months. That High Chief is generous this year doesn’t mean he’ll be next year. As an older woman, you should be smarter, not fritter away this benevolence. You won’t always be this desirable. Your sweet thing will not always be this sweet either.
Seriously, apart from the terminal date of a woman’s sweetness and firmness, why will a runs-girl want to be a runs-girl forever? Only lazy dumb ones think that milk has no expiry date.
Me, I have seen bad girls become great wives and mothers because they knew when to stop. They took what they acquired and put it into what can last. They invested their knowledge and charm into making their marriages work.
That is why you hear such questions as: Why do bad girls end up with the good guys? It is because some bad girls know when the evening market is over. They go home when they can still locate their wares. They invest wisely instead of paying for acquired bums and breasts. They invest their charms in their men and homes. They retire before they are retired.
Egbemode is the former President, Nigeria Guild of Editors, and former Commissioner for Information, Osun State. Her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sundays. She can be reached at egbemode3@gmail.com.
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