Marriage Advice with Hijr Miskeena: Distance  marriages

By Abdul Rafiq O Thompson

It’s very common these days for married couples to stay apart in order to work to meet societal and personal demands.

It creates a gap and a vacuum physical presence could mitigate and it defies the very precept and fundamentals of marriage in the sense of ‘companionship’-the very ideology upon which Eve was created in order to comfort Adam.

Companionship wouldn’t be complete if both partners stay apart. The temptation and pressure that comes with newlyweds may consume them facilitated by distance. You could argue based on chauvinist doctrine but the fact is, it’s always best if not better for the man to be doing the traveling in order to fend for the home.

Sanity frowns at when a lady stays in a rented building alone whilst married when the sound conscience of some men have been sold out to the devil as they find no order lady to pursue than this married woman staying alone.

I’ve got a perception to take out the monkey’s hand from the soup pot before it becomes a human hand, thus preventing things before they escalate to get out of hand so, by my intuition is a no-no! I’ve got no problem with the distance being temporal but where it’s indefinite then the smile on my radiant face will be lost to the reddish eyes and nose.

Under marriage, sex becomes the water we take in order to quench our thirst so in a distance marriage what quenches this thirst in the absence of a partner? The temptation to seek comfort elsewhere becomes highly tempting that even sound religious men and women have fallen victim to the whispers of the devil how much more us.

How dare you go near fire on a sunny day expecting not to sweat? The beauty of Nikah (marriage), is staying together, facing the daily challenges squarely and finding bliss and comfort in each other’s arms after a hard day’s work.

The quarrels will be minimal and the arguments die fast than when there’s a distance. Unless of course there’s no other alternative than there to exist a distance between spouses to make ends meet then they’ve got to ensure meeting at all times with the slightest possible avenue they can afford whilst seriously working towards staying together permanently.

Another challenge I find very glaring within our daily communities in the refusal to stay with a man under marriage is the fact that, he stays with his immediate family thus living in a family owned house.

It’s illogical if not diabolical to want to move into a rented apartment when at the moment I can conserve that income by way of still living at home if I’m allocated a room or two I can comfortably convert into a portable apartment till I’m able to move into my own building, not a rented apartment.

The understanding is that there will be family interference with the couple. Arguably it’s not always the case. It sometimes provides a certain type of cover for most women when her in-laws are good people. They’ll caution their son to take good care of her and always support her even if she’s wrong. This is only possible when the lady has fully accepted them as her own biological parents only then will they also show her a certain type of affection they give to their children.

Fundamentally, it’s important to note that the impression we create and the name we carve out for our prospective spouses before our parents become a dent and a stain that would never wash. The good is often forgotten but the bad lives on. It never dies! .

Among the many wrongs is the feeling of being shy to show just how much we love our spouses in the sight and presence of our family. The moment we make family members understand that my wife is my eye and my husband is my heart and without them my life will technically come to a halt if not an end, that’s the very moment they’ll attach much importance to them because they wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings by hurting or disrespecting your spouse.

By default we’re taught not to show emotion in the presence of our parents and family members else you’re tagged a weakling. So we’d rather act like we’ve got options for our spouses in the sight of family than act like they’re our last resort we can’t simply do without. It’s very important for family to understand just how much your wife or husband means to you so they know just how to treat them. If you brand them as trash, trash they’ll treat them and if you brand them as special and gold, a treasure they’ll treat them.

In marketing, product branding is akin to maximize sales.This is what attracts a potential consumer before they actually make the purchase. If the branding is wrong and shoddy even if the the product will survive the market pressures, it might not maximize the budgeted sales it’d have if the branding was on point and flawless.

Brand your spouse how you want your friends and family to address them and remember first impressions stick. It’s a stain and a dent that will never wash. You can’t disrespect them before family and friends and still expect the same family and friends to respect them. It’s a no-no!

Show family members how much your spouse means to you. Make them understand you can’t do without your wife or husband only then will they respect them as they should be respected.

This article was written by Abdul Rafiq Thompson.

Asalamualaikum….