The Marital Mosaic: Beyond Love – Key Elements That Sustain Marriage, by Aisha M Auyo
“In the intricate tapestry of marriage, love is but one thread”.
Marriage is not just the union of people who are truly in love with each other. It requires a whole lot of other factors to keep it going. I can confidently tell you a marriage can exist without love if the other factors are in existence. Our grandparents and generations before them have done it, and the divorce rate was very low compared with ours. Their marital relationship is stronger than ours that capitalizes on love.
Theirs is a relationship built on patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in qadr, devotion, and peace. Not on lust. Not on love. Not on desire. Not on physical look. Not on avarice. Almost the total opposite of marriage nowadays.
A strong marriage is determined by the sacrifices and struggles that a husband and wife go through and the ability they possess to stay strong and patient with each other. There is no marriage without problems issues, or tests. Even in the noble house of our Rasul, SAW, they had issues. From small ones that involve petty actions fueled by jealousy within the wives to bigger problems that involve an accusation of adultery levied against Aisha, RA, also known as the “event of Ifk”, which can be traced to surah An-Nur.
Couples should try not to give up when they are undergoing tests, DIVINE TESTS such as poverty, infertility, illness, polygamy, etc. Please understand that I am not saying we should condone HUMAN MADE CHALLENGES such as bad character, SERIAL infidelity, (there may be exceptional cases of being victims or moments of weakness which should not ne more than once), Abuse of any kind, (mental, verbal, physical, or emotional), etc. We should be able to explore the fine line between Allah’s tests, and man-made issues.
READ ALSO: Our words have the power to build or break our marriages, by Aisha Musa Auyo
Allah says in the Qur’an, “We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: ‘Verily We are from Allah and to Allah we return.’ They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy and it is those who are guided.” Al baqarah.
The missed nuances in Northern Nigerian marriage customs, emphasizing materialism over the essential attributes of lasting matrimony have contributed immensely to the high rate of divorce in our community. Parents are neglecting the core aspects of marriage, and paying more attention to the superficial and materialistic aspects of marriage. Instead of counseling their kids on how to live with each other, the groom side will be busy making plans on ‘Kayan life’ and ‘gida na gani na fada’. The bride side will be busy buying expensive furniture and ‘gara’, ‘kada a rainamu’. The couples will be busy organizing Instagrammable wedding events that will trend for a week.
At least, the bride’s family does not joke with kayan mata, and little Nasiha on ‘Yi, nayi, bari na bari’, ‘Ayi haquri’. But on the groom’s side, no one says anything to him regarding how to live his life with the bride.
Then after all the events, reality sets in. Expectations not met. The pretense energy is exhausted. Before you know it, ‘hide my ID’, parents’ intervention and divorce will happen. In less than 5 years, the marriage will be dissolved, with two or 3 innocent kids involved.
Many people would look at the marriages and successes of others and wish that they were them not knowing how much they struggled to get there, not knowing the sacrifices that they have made to become successful in their marriages.
In sum, this piece delved into the enduring factors that fortify matrimonial bonds beyond love, drawing wisdom from the timeless legacy of our forebears. The essence of patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in destiny, devotion, and peace is the age-old recipe for marital success. How strong unions are forged through trials and sacrifices. I hope this will guide parents and couples in nurturing resilient marriages by shedding light on the struggles behind seemingly idyllic unions.
May Allah make it easy for all those who are going through any sort of hardships in their marriages and May Allah protect us from such calamities, amin.
Always remember that, with divine guidance and patience, weathering marital storms can lead to stronger, more enduring love.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk
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