NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: A wife’s struggle for self-worth amid emotional abuse
“Dear sis Eesher, I need your advice on a matter that has been bothering me for some time now, I am a graduate, but my husband has refused to let me work. He pretends as if he is helping me to search for a job, but in reality, he is only looking for ways to spoil my chance of getting it. I tried starting a business three times but he still managed to spoil the business by giving me strict and impractical conditions.
He breaks my self-esteem in every way, he makes me feel like I am not beautiful, at some point I started bleaching my skin and covering my face when I am in public so people won’t see me, I am always scared of speaking in public because of the way he shuns me, and it is beginning to affect my sanity.
I don’t lack food, but my husband doesn’t buy me anything clothes, and not a single kobo of his ever entered my hand. Most of the time, I feel inferior when I am with him.
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Leaving the marriage is not an option because my mother will not accept me back and she cannot reprimand him because he is her rich in law that she is always proud of. I am tired of the disrespect and constant nagging from my husband and on top of this, he is a chronic womanizer.
Now my children (3 and 5 )are beginning to shout like him. I am 28, but I look like a 40-year-old woman; please, I need your advice on what to do; why am I not enough for him? My self-esteem is reducing as each day passes by.” – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I can feel the pain and frustration in your words, and I want you to know that you are not alone. It is heartbreaking to hear that your husband is treating you in a way that is damaging your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You deserve to feel loved, valued, and respected.
First, let me reassure you that you are more than enough. His behavior is not a reflection of your worth or beauty. People often project their own insecurities onto others, and it seems like he’s doing that to control you. Please don’t internalize his actions—they are about him, not you.
That being said, it’s important to take care of yourself, emotionally and mentally, especially since you have children. They are beginning to pick up on these unhealthy patterns, and for their sake as well as yours, it’s crucial to break the cycle.
Build a support system. Even if your mother can’t help, there might be others—friends, family, or a counselor—who can support you emotionally and help you navigate this. It’s important to have someone to talk to who can offer encouragement and perspective.
Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem. Start with small, daily affirmations about yourself. Surround yourself with positive influences, and do things that make you feel good and confident, even if they are small. You deserve to feel beautiful, inside and out.
Evaluate your options carefully. Leaving the marriage may feel impossible right now, but your mental and emotional health is just as important as anything else. You need to think about what is best for you and your children in the long run. If he continues to mistreat you and your kids, a separation might become necessary, despite what your mother or others think.
Remember, you are strong, intelligent, and beautiful. Don’t let anyone, not even your husband, make you forget that. You deserve a life filled with love, respect, and peace, and it’s not selfish to want that.
Most importantly, pray for your marriage, and Allah’s guidance in making decisions. Recite the Quran regularly, and do a lot of istighfar and supplications.
Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (Peace and tranquility). (Quran 13:28)
Please take things one step at a time, and trust that Allah will always be there for you.
With love, Sis Eesher.
