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Dear men, without your support, we can not be the wives you need, by Aisha Musa Auyo
Men’s preferences in women change with age, exposure, and income. What a man wants in his 20s will be different from what he wants in his forties. The woman he can afford at his first marriage will be different from the woman he would love to have in his midlife, especially if his finances have skyrocketed. This is why we advise our fellow women to try and evolve with their men.
This post is about men. I’ve written a lot for women and about women. it’s your turn now, especially since no one takes time to tell men what is required of them to keep their marriage going. The expectation is, a woman should keep her marriage. The reality is, it takes the combined efforts of a husband a wife to keep the marriage going.
My brother, know that your woman can not be what you want without your support. Here, support means emotional, financial, and social support. If you marry a woman with minimal educational qualifications, and you go ahead and add degrees without carrying her along, you are naturally creating a gap in your relationship.
If you are always traveling within and outside your country, without her, she will be left behind in experience and exposure.
READ ALSO: Dear men, women are visual beings too, by Aisha M Auyo
If you are getting a lot of money, changing your wardrobe and perfume collections, and you are not doing so for her, she will soon be too local for you.
Know that the fine, educated, and brilliant lady you are eyeing and admiring, she is like that because someone invested in her. Someone allowed her to grow. Someone trusted, invested, and supported her. Good soup, they say, ‘na money me kam.’
Building meaningful connections with women, akin to nurturing a plant, involves investing time, energy, and resources. Just as they blossom with care, women flourish when given attention and support. It’s important to recognize the value of financial care, pampering, and spoiling in fostering a strong and vibrant relationship.
Let me start with these two hadiths.
Our Prophet, Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah’s reward, it is regarded as Sadaqa for him.”
Allah’s Apostle said, “Allah said, ‘O son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.”
I don’t want to start listing the basic things a woman needs from her man because not all fingers are equal, and what is basic to one family may be a luxury to another.
But in general, a lady needs peace and care to look good and be happy. Everyone can afford that, huh?
To gist, tease, and play with her is hard for some men. To acknowledge her efforts, praise, pray for her, and engage in a meaningful, deep conversation with a wife is a big deal to some men. To watch movies with one’s wife, take her out, travel with her, or spend quality time with her is something impossible for some men.
On nutrition, a good and balanced diet is the number one responsibility of a husband. It is said a husband should spend for his family depending on his pocket. Don’t give her garri and Garau Garau, then order shawarma, basmati, and tigernut drink for yourself from Auyo’s Cuisines. Buying grains only and leaving her to cater to the remaining ingredients is very wrong. Sometimes, the ingredients for food preparation cost more than the grains.
Body care essentials like soap, pads, deodorants, perfumes, hair products, and clothing are non-negotiable. If you have the resources, give her money for a good skincare routine, spa treatment, gyaran jiki, salon, manicure, pedicure, etc.
Normalize buying clothes more than two times a year. Give her money for nighties, underwear, comfy wear, and pajamas. A woman also needs hijabs, veils, laffayas, and abayas. All the things I listed here have prices that vary with one’s income, dan Allah a kamanta.
On education, a woman needs to update and upgrade her islamic knowledge, Western education, and socialization. The world is changing and evolving like the blink of an eye. If she’s stagnant in these areas, she might not be well-equipped to raise your kids and be the wife that you need. Trust, allow, sponsor, and encourage her to grow in these areas.
Data and a good phone are also essential to this millennium. With the rise in depression among women, the internet had been a helping tool that fostered communications and engagements. Online businesses, classes, and tutorials have saved homes and families as much as they destroyed them.
When a woman uses her phone in a good way, she will learn to engage herself in meaningful activities and interactions. A woman can also learn new dishes, current makeup and dressing trends, home care, DIY, and even get certified knowledge in many areas of life.
If you can afford it, hire a maid, or buy machines that will make her domestic responsibility easier. Too much domestic chores can make a woman look older than her age. Too many domestic chores make a woman too tired to entertain her husband’s needs in the Oza room.
Women need money to up their game in the oza room and many things she won’t spell out for you. Women want to give money to their parents, relatives, do sadaqa, gudunmawan suna da biki, small adashi, and many more. Dan Allah, don’t be stingy. If possible, nominate an amount for her, monthly or weekly, so that she will know how to spend within her budget.
It is narrated from Abu Hurairah RA that the Prophet PBUH said, ‘Of the dinar you spend as a contribution in Allah’s path, or to set free a slave, or as a sadaqa given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family, Sahih Muslim (995).
Let me close with the most important yet neglected aspect. A sexually satisfied woman is peaceful, respectful, happy, and mentally stable. As a man, your sexual health, hygiene, and ability to understand her needs are very important. Exercise regularly, avoid too sugary and too oily foods, consume sugar-free dairy products, spiced teas, coffee, fruits, veggies, and nuts. Avoid porn, smoking, and drinking, and find time to relax. If there’s no any underlying health condition, you will be fine.
As much as Islam allows men to marry up to four wives, and I know most men would rather marry a ready-made lady that matches their current interest than try to upgrade the one they already have, know that you would be held accountable for how you treat your wives. Remember that you will be rewarded for whatever you do and spend for your family.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, and a mother of three. She is a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/ relationship coach.
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