How parenting changes us, by Aisha Musa Auyo
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world; a job that starts with pregnancy but never ends. It’s a lifetime commitment that comes with lots of challenges, rewards, and experiences that change us, teach us and humble us. In fact, one doesn’t fully know oneself until he starts bearing and raising kids.
This commitment tests our patience, compassion, selflessness, strength, weakness and many more.
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When I was in my teens, I didn’t have that natural love for kids, as I would see them as nuisances but, ironically, kids love me and would often extend their hands to me to pick them up. Most times, I wouldn’t bother responding to their requests. I would just look at them with a pretentious smile and move on.
A friend of mine who loved babies explained that kids are attracted to me due to the glasses I wear, which was a relief to me.
Years later, my coursemates could not believe their eyes when they saw me on a TV programme dishing out tips on parenting, child psychology and upbringing.
After I became a mom (a fierce one for that matter), this new responsibility changed my entire outlook on life. It made me appreciate Allah more – the fact that an entire human being is produced in the womb from a drop of semen, and the entire foetus transformation within nine months never ceased to amaze me. The fact that milk would naturally begin to come out from the breast after childbirth is still super. And the most baffling is how tuwo, shawarma, rice, vegetables, or whatever a nursing mother eats gets transformed into breastmilk within minutes is brain blasting.
I often wish I could see how my body organs function to deliver this seamless production. Allah is indeed the Greatest. Tabarakallah Ahsanul khaaliqeen!
There’s a popular saying that “If you want to change the world, change it while you are single, without a spouse, or a kid, as that is when you have the freedom to do whatever you want”. This is because these two groups of people take your freedom and willpower away. This is true in some ways but if we look at it in another way, one can change the world when he becomes a parent. By being a better version of oneself, and raising a pious, honest and loving generation.
Permit me to list a few ways in which motherhood changed me; perhaps others can learn, relate, realign, and prepare themselves for the unending task.
1. Motherhood made me more grateful to my Creator, more grateful to my parents, appreciate other parents, and made me understand to some extent the pain of not having kids, delayed fertility and parenting kids with special needs.
2. Motherhood humbled me, as all the things I never imagined myself doing are now my daily routine. From changing diapers to feeding kids, toilet training, wiping phlegm and saliva, and many activities I considered gross. I’m now cool with all of these. There was a day my husband took me to greet his friend’s family, as one of his kids had broken his ankle from the compound. I could hear the mom screaming at the kids, I was like “Aww, this woman is loud, ta cika masifa (she is too troublesome).
At that time, she had five (5) boys, and they were seriously misbehaving. Even the one that broke his ankle was trying to touch a moving fan with his other hand. The others were all doing destructive stuff, some using chairs as ladders to touch the ceiling. Even so, I thought she was yelling unnecessarily. As God will have it, I have only three boys and trust me, I find myself shouting all day. It took a lot of practice, willpower and patience to reduce the yelling. This experience humbled me a lot, so I stopped judging.
There are times when you will feel relaxed, thinking that you are doing this parenting right, that you’ve totally got this. Then all of a sudden, one of the kids would do something unpredictable, unimaginable that you start to doubt yourself and all the efforts you had put in making and building them. That’s a reset and a humbling one for that matter.
3. My selflessness and sacrifices increased; although I intentionally always put others before me, I put my kids first without even thinking or weighing. It comes so naturally and effortlessly. As a mother, one finds herself as the last option, the last one to be taken care of. At a point, I had to drop some of my dreams and aspirations, just to take good care of my kids.
4. Constant worry and wild imagination. I don’t know if it’s just me or if all mothers do this. I don’t know if it’s the insecurity situation, or the ill vices of our time, what I know is I’m constantly worried about my kids, how they are faring in my absence, how they’ll turn out thier health, wellbeing, demeanour, interests, aspirations, and lots more. I cry alot when they’re sick or in pain. I don’t even blink an eye when they have a fever. Even during the night, I check on them at least three times before the day breaks. I’m always overwhelmed and have panic attacks here and there.
5. I start loving kids all together, whether mine or not. If they are kids, they become my favourite persons. I just love them. Nowadays, I prefer staying with kids than with adults. I enjoy thier presence. This may be due to a course I studied – Developmental Psychology, which explains the entire human nature from pregnancy to old age. It made me understand alot about kids and why they exhibit certain behaviours. It makes whatever kids do make sense to me. I became more empathetic and patient.
6. Kids make us become better versions of ourselves. Parenthood comes with the challenge that kids always look up to the parents on whatever they do. Kids look at us more than they listen to us. So, we parents know that we have to model the behaviour we want them to have. We have to show more than we tell. We have to always be conscious of our words, actions, and be intentional about what we do. There was a time I was reciting the Quran (not my usual tilawa time, as I had missed my schedule) then my first son asked, “maama dama kina tilawa? (“mama, I didn’t know you used to do tilawa”) I was so baffled by the question and I answered yes, every day.
He replied that he had never seen me do tilawa, only me helping and commanding him to do his. In my little mind, I’ve chosen a time when the kids are asleep or at school, so that I will not be disturbed. It never occurred to me that the kids thought I don’t do tilawa. So most times we need to be intentional and specific on what we want them to see and model.
7. Steadfastness and patience. These creatures test your energy, patience, steadfastness and endurance. There’s no room for laziness or small sickness. Your sleeping hours reduce to the minimum. They must be attended to, every second of the day. Even in their absence, preparations are made for things they will need when they’re back. They consume your budget, your plans, your relationship with your Creator and creations, your health, looks, well-being and even wardrobe. If care isn’t taken, one loses himself in this parenting and only notices when it’s almost late. One needs to be tough to survive this.
And mind you this is coming from a mother who does not pay the bills – all expenses are taken care of. This is coming from a mother whose kids are all healthy and none of them need special care. I respect mothers combining their motherly responsibilities with financial support, and or special nursing abilities, or both; I dot my hat off for you. May Allah reciprocate your efforts in reward and fulfilment.
8. Finally, this parenting stuff is rewarding, both here and hereafter. If one is blessed with pious kids, there’s no greater joy. Even as babies, their innocent smiles instantly lighten up ones mood. One often finds himself speaking sweet nonsense, singing non existent lyrics just to see a baby laugh. Thier love is raw, undiluted and genuine.
On a lighter note, I would like to advise myself and mothers to take it easy. It’s okay to take care of oneself. In fact, it’s highly recommended. Go out and have some adult interactions, discuss with other moms, watch movies, spoil yourself and rejuvenate your mental health. You need it. Forgive yourself when you are wrong- parenting is learning in process. You are human. Do your best, pray for God’s guidance and protection, leave the rest to the Almighty.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A mother of three, parenting and relationship coach.
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