Marriage Advice With Hijr Miskeena Rauda El-Miskeen

MARRIAGE ADVICE
If you can’t afford marriage to a sister in the same rank as you and you fear falling into fornication then consider marriage to a girl in a lower rank. But make sure she is a chaste believer. Obviously it is not the ideal marriage and there could be repercussions e.g unrefined behaviour, odd habits, less compatibility etc but it is better than falling into a major sin. The best thing is to be patient and marry a chaste believer from the same rank as you. That is closer to enjoying a more stable and pleasurable marriage.
One
Chastity and pure character are very important.
This is how abhorrent, atrocious and repugnant fornication is:
A. The wives of the Prophets weren’t protected from kufr, e.g Nuh AS’s wife and Lut AS’s wife but they were protected from fornication and adultery.
A. We are allowed to marry chaste women from the people of the book but not a Muslimah who fornicates.
C. Accusing a chaste woman of fornication is one of the destroyers (the worst major sins). If the accusation is a destroyer then what about the filthy act itself.
D. Fornication is mentioned alongside shirk and murder. The punishment is multiplied for those who fornicate
E. Hind when giving the pledge of allegiance when told not to fornicate said “Does the free woman fornicate?” A rhetorical question asked by a woman with a pagan mindset (at the time) showing severe disgust towards fornication. She thought fornication was an abhorrent act which only low people do.
Enough said. Avoid anyone who is a fornicator or has a vulgar character. There are many chaste believing women around. Espouse them.
Two
Beautiful Qualities
Marry a woman who:
A. Marry the one who is loving, fertile and will be soft and tender towards your children. Affection from the wife is priceless as well as abundant children. Children are one of the adornments of this world.
B. Won’t burden you with difficult things and is fun and easy to be with. A wife with strenuous demands will exhaust you. A content wife that makes the marriage low maintenance and enjoyable is a blessing. A wife that attaches importance to friendship over material things is to be appreciated.
C. Looks after herself and respects you. When the wife does her best to be attractive that will increase your love towards her. When she respects you that will also cause you to love her.
Three
Marriage is affection and mercy
The following are some beautiful ways to express your love for your spouse.
A. Spending quality time together where you have an emotional connection, share ideas, get stimulated by intellectual discussions, enjoy looking at one another with affection and derive pleasure from ambient atmospheres.
B. Intimacy. Intimacy is a beautiful gift from the Creator SWT that has been abused by many. Some have made it a means to degrade the other party while others have viewed it as something to get over and done with quickly and as something not to enjoy. Let intimacy be an experience where you manifest your ardent love for your spouse. Enjoy it as much as you can- it is completely permissible and you are rewarded for it. It has been attributed to Ibn Abbas that he said that affection is intimacy and mercy is the child.
C. Giving gifts. From flowers to a diamond ring. Quality gifts given consistently should bring about increasing love.
D. Listening, affirming feelings and empathy. When you listen to your spouse’s problems and concerns and offer solace and comfort that is something which will earn you a lot of appreciation. Unlike a selfish husband who only cares about the state of the house and whether the hot meal is ready or not.
E. Offering psychological and material support.
Four
Keeping your wife’s secret is a must regardless of what she has done.
A man was asked:
“Why do you want to divorce your wife?”
He replied:
“A wise man never exposes his wife.”
After he divorced her he was asked the same question.
He replied:
“A wise man doesn’t talk about the woman of another man.”
Never expose your wife or the wife of another man.
Five
A short poem: Compatibility, chemistry, commitment, and contentment.
First thing in marriage is compatibility.
Alignment of lifestyle choices is stability.
Peace of mind with serene tranquility.
The strong foundation causing durability.
Chemistry coming next on the list
Your spouse is not there to resist
Feelings of rapport or a sweet tryst
Makes the couple happily coexist.
Ardent commitment once in wedlock.
Firmness to take on any tough knock.
Determination will break the deadlock.
Pessimistic thoughts you must block.
Contentment turns the sour into bliss.
The sacrifices made never dismiss.
Over the good times do reminisce.
Appreciate even the good night kiss.
Six
And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
Live with your wife in kindness. That entails being a good companion, not harming her, having good manners with her, dealing with her in a soft manner, forgiving her shortcomings (we also have shortcomings), being cheerful, spending on her generously, pampering her and spoiling her.
Even if you don’t like her there is a lot of good in being patient with her. Firstly it is obedience to Allah SWT and accepting His command which is happiness in this world and the hereafter. Also forcing yourself to stay while you feel averse to her is striving against your desires and adorning yourself with excellent manners. Perhaps the hatred will subside or disappear altogether and get replaced by love as has happened before. Perhaps a righteous child will come from the marriage that will be a source of benefit for both parents in this world and the hereafter. However if staying in the relationship will cause harm then it is fine for both parties to move on.
I ask Allah SWT to bless us with good and happy marriages

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