NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: He wants me to quit my job and rely on him — Is this love or control?

NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: He wants me to quit my job and rely on him — Is this love or control?

In this week’s episode of NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher, a young lady opens up about her struggle to balance love, independence, and survival. After losing her father, she hustles through school and business to support herself—but now, the man who wants to marry her is asking her to give it all up and depend solely on him.

Sis Eesher responds with clarity, compassion, and the truth many women need to hear.

Dear Sis Eesher,

I recently met a guy who is serious about marrying me. However, he doesn’t seem comfortable with the way I hustle to earn my own money.

In my family, things haven’t always been easy financially. After we lost my dad three years ago, my siblings and I had to step up. Since finishing secondary school, I’ve been teaching at a private school. Thanks to my dedication and consistency, my salary has increased over time. I only go there three times a week, so the job is both convenient and flexible.

I’m currently in 300 Level at Unilag, and in addition to teaching, I also sell perfumes—online, on campus and to friends and family. I don’t have a shop yet, and the profits are small, but it helps me survive. Alhamdulillah, I’ve been doing well without putting any pressure on my mum, my siblings, or even my boyfriend.

But my boyfriend has been insisting that I quit the teaching job to “focus on my studies.” While he’s okay with the perfume business, he wants me to rely on him financially and ask him for money whenever I need anything. In short, he believes I should depend solely on him.

Please advise me, Sis Eesher:

1. Do you think I should quit my teaching job?
2. Is it wise to marry someone with this kind of mindset?
3. Could this be a red flag?
4. I worry that after marriage, he might try to make me completely dependent on him and ask me to give up my business or future career goals.

Looking forward to your kind advice.

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your situation with me. I truly admire your resilience, your sense of responsibility, and the dignity with which you hustle to support yourself. You’re doing the right thing, and I pray that Allah continues to bless your efforts.

Now, to your concern.
Let me start by saying this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman working hard, earning her own money, and being financially responsible—especially when she’s doing so with integrity and balance, as you are. You’re not only taking care of your needs without burdening others, but you are also building a sense of self-worth, independence, and dignity. That is something to be proud of.

Your boyfriend’s discomfort with your teaching job, even though it’s flexible and not affecting your studies, is concerning. The fact that he’s pressuring you to depend solely on him financially, even before marriage, raises a
red flag.

READ ALSO: NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: A wife’s journey of abuse to true love

Yes, it’s noble for a man to want to provide for his woman. Islamically, a husband is obligated to provide. But there’s a difference between a man who wants to provide and a man who wants control. When a man insists you give up something beneficial just to make you dependent on him, that’s no longer love or leadership—it’s insecurity masked as care.

Marriage is not a prison.

You are right to worry. Many women, in the name of love or peace, give up their careers or businesses only to find themselves silenced and stranded when things get tough. Financial dependence can easily translate into emotional or psychological control if the person lacks maturity and balance.

You are not being rebellious; you are wise. If this man truly values you, he should respect your hustle and support your growth. He should see your teaching job as a sign of strength, not a threat.

My advice:

Don’t quit your job unless you want to or feel it’s affecting your studies—not because someone demands it.

Pay attention to this mindset—if he is already trying to control your choices now, what will happen after marriage?

Have an honest conversation with him about your fears. Watch not just what he says but how he says it. A man who truly loves you should want you to thrive, not shrink.

Dear sister, do not dim your light to make someone else comfortable. The right man will see your light, appreciate your independence, and still want to protect and provide.

Whatever decision you make, make it from a place of self-respect, faith, and clarity. Never fear losing a man—fear losing yourself.

May Allah guide you to what is best for your dunya and akhirah.

With love and duas,
Sis Eesher.

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