NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: When a parent becomes the test..
Dear Sis Eesher,
I need advice on coping with my father, who has been emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive towards me since childhood. My mother left him long ago, so I grew up with him. I thought things would improve when I entered university, but nothing has changed.
He constantly shouts, insults, belittles, and curses me. When I was younger, he used to beat me over small mistakes, and even now, he still hits me with anything he finds—stones, his hands, kicks, or slaps. He rarely supports me financially, and when he does, he uses it as an opportunity to insult me.
Another painful part is that whenever someone shows kindness or closeness to me, he turns them against me by spreading lies so that they dislike me. This has left me feeling very alone.
I try to be patient because I fear displeasing Allah regarding the rights of parents, but his behaviour is seriously affecting my mental health. Sometimes I feel like running away, but I don’t know where to go. I cry often and I’m exhausted.
I truly need guidance on how to cope with this situation. May Allah reward you.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for trusting me with something this heavy. What you are going through is not easy, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. The pain, the confusion, the exhaustion, none of it is your fault. You are not weak; you are surviving something extremely difficult.
First, I want you to understand something clearly: Islam does not ask you to tolerate abuse. Birrul-wālidayn (being good to parents) does not mean accepting harm, disrespect, or violence. Even the Prophet ﷺ said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” Allah does not want you broken, afraid, or hurt.
Your father’s behaviour is wrong. The physical abuse, emotional manipulation, insults, and attempts to isolate you are all forms of oppression. And Allah hates oppression.
What you need right now is:
1. Safety: If the physical abuse continues, please consider staying with your mother, a trusted relative, a family friend, or a safe hostel. Even if temporary. Your safety comes first.
READ ALSO:NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: Judged her for cheating until I nearly did the same
2. Support system: You need at least one person who sees and believes you. If you have an aunt, an older cousin, your mother, a lecturer, or a sister on campus, open up to one who is mature and trustworthy.
3. Emotional boundaries: When you must interact with him, try to stay brief and neutral. No explanations, no arguments. Just polite, short responses. Protect your heart.
4. Focus on your education: Your degree is your key to independence. Hold onto it firmly. Do not allow this situation to stop your journey.
5. Du’ā and closeness to Allah: Cry to Him. Tell Him what you cannot tell people. Allah hears every tear, every silent pain, every whispered prayer.
And remember, being patient does not mean staying silent in pain. Patience means continuing to move forward, working towards a better life, while trusting Allah to open doors.
You are not alone, my dear sister. You are seen. You are heard. You are stronger than you think, and your future is bigger than your current pain.
When the time comes, you will look back at this and say, “Allah carried me.”
May Allah make a way out for you, soften your heart, strengthen your spirit, and grant you peace in your home and your life.
Here are some prayers to help you navigate through this test.
1.
رَبِّ أَنِّي مَغْلُوبٌ فَانْتَصِرْ
Rabbi inni maghlūbun fantasir.
Meaning: My Lord, I am overwhelmed, so help me.
Say this anytime the heart feels heavy.
2.
حَسْبِيَ ٱللَّهُ لَا إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۖ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَهُوَ رَبُّ ٱلْعَرْشِ ٱلْعَظِيمِ (7 times in the morning and evening)
Hasbiyallāhu lā ilāha illā Huwa, ‘alayhi tawakkaltu wa Huwa Rabbul-‘Arshil-‘Aẓīm.
Meaning: Allah is sufficient for me. There is no god but Him. On Him alone I rely, and He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.
This builds emotional protection and inner peace.
3. Du’ā for a Way Out (Very Recommended)
اللَّهُمَّ اكْفِنِيهِ بِمَا شِئْتَ وَكَيْفَ شِئْتَ
Allāhumma ikfinīhi bimā shi’ta wa kayfa shi’ta.
Meaning: O Allah, suffice me from him in whatever way You will and however You will.
Say it when feeling trapped or helpless.
I am here for you, always,
With love and prayers
Sis Eesher
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