Intimate Affairs: Mature, single, and lonely, by Funke Egbemode
A woman who wants sex, effective sex that delivers on all the errands it was sent, has no business marrying a man with low sex drive. A woman who wants sex 20 times a month should not be in a relationship with a man who thinks women who want sex more than once a week are nymphomaniacs. Yeah, there are men like that. They lift their wives’ wrappers either only to make babies or when the woman has asked and asked and has begun to mumble sentences like:
‘If you are having problems getting it up, you should speak up so I know how to help you instead of punishing me like this.’
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When a woman starts cobbling such sentences together, even under her breath, the man knows that he is in trouble and that he needs to seek and get help before his wife moves from mumbling her dissatisfaction to hissing loudly her frustration.
Now, this is not a piece about men with low libido. It is actually about mature, single women finding love or marriage again. The stories I have heard about some second chances are, to put it mildly, embarrassing. Of course, I have heard beautiful second chance stories too. The kind that are so romantically inspiring that you want to make a movie from them. Some second-chance marriages are so cute they bring tears to your eyes, encouraging you to encourage other mature singles to give marriage another thought.
There is a current sad story doing the rounds. It is irking and demeaning. Both the man and the woman are telling colourful stories people of their age shouldn’t be caught telling. They are releasing deep, embarrassing secrets on social media, social media that does not forget! The woman is living her pain in the open. The man is making revelations that no real man should and threatening to provide more materials for the woman to make more episodes from.
I’m gritting my teeth and wondering when the shameful and shameless exposition will end. Each time someone, in the last one week, made reference to this couple’s dirty-linen-war, I cringed. I’m disappointed but I’m not judging them. I’m doing this piece because I think there are a few lessons for everyone in the bad movie that came from a marriage that lasted only three months. I am still wondering how a 90-day marriage could produce so much bad-blood.
As the nest empties for those who are single parents or as the biological clock winds down after ticking loudly for years. Every man, every woman needs someone to lean on, someone to gist with, someone to watch the sun rise and set with. Every woman needs someone to play Ludo with and that need and search for a playmate leaves a woman very vulnerable, more vulnerable than men. Yes. The society in which we live in does not ease off in its judgment of women whether we are 16 or 60. You don’t agree with me? Well, tell me how the society reacts to a 60-year-old woman remarrying compared to a 70-year-old man marrying for the third time and I mean as a serial monogamist.
Women are expected to exercise control. The men are allowed to pick and drop, test-run as many women as they want. A 60-year-old man dancing in a night club is ‘just hanging out with the boys’ but a 50-year-old lonely woman doing the same is a slut, an irresponsible shame to womanhood. Painfully annoying but that is the way our world works, for now.
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Where does that leave the mature, single woman? On her own. That, my sisters, is the verdict. You are on your own, which means you must look out for yourself, protect yourself, put yourself first and bind all demons of desperation. Do not let any man treat you like you need him more than he needs you. Do not let any man use you if you can’t use him. If he won’t add value to your life, let him go somewhere else with his valueless self. If he won’t take away your loneliness, he’s useless. If he’s going to treat you like an ATM, tell him to check the next shop because you ain’t open for that kind of business. Whatever you do, don’t let any man, any relationship take away your dignity. It’s your life, do only what you’ll look back and be happy about.
Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)
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