NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: Torn between gratitude and growth
Dear Sis Eesher,
Alhamdulillah, I am a married woman, blessed with three children and a good, God-fearing husband. By May, in Shaa Allah, we will be celebrating 12 years of marriage.
Since I got married, I haven’t worked. My husband is very responsible and has always taken care of me. He gives me a monthly allowance of ₦70,000 and sends ₦50,000 to my mum monthly. I try to save well, and by Allah’s grace, I was able to buy gold worth ₦3.5 million last year.
I am naturally introverted, and even though I’m a graduate, I struggle with expressing myself confidently. My husband has been like a guardian angel to me, and I’m genuinely grateful for everything he does.
However, recently I’ve been feeling restless. Each time I go online and see women advertising their businesses and doing well for themselves, I start to feel useless and tired of being idle. It’s like something in me is yearning to also be productive and independent in my own small way.
Three days ago, I gathered courage and told my husband that I would love to start doing something. I explained that, God forbid, if anything were to happen to him, I would have nothing to fall back on.
But his response really broke me. He got angry and asked if I wanted to kill him. He said I was being ungrateful and questioned what more I wanted from him.
READ ALSO: NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: From Newlywed to Instant Motherhood; I Need Help
Now, I feel so down and confused. Please, my sister, what should I do? I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but I also don’t want to ignore this growing feeling inside me. Please, I need your advice.”
Dear Anonymous,
Be grateful and appreciative of the kind of husband Allah has blessed you with. Not many women receive the type of financial support you do, both for yourself and your mother. The fact that you have managed to save and invest wisely, such as buying gold worth millions, shows you are already doing very well.
At the same time, it’s essential to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. Wanting to be productive and contribute in your own way is not wrong. However, the way the message was delivered – especially mentioning “if something happens” or “if he dies” – came off as harsh and alarming. Words carry weight, especially in sensitive matters, and choosing the right tone and language makes a big difference.
Apologise to your husband, not just for your desire to do something, but for how it was presented. With time, you can revisit the conversation more gently and thoughtfully. Let him know how much you appreciate all he does, and express that your desire to work comes from a personal need to grow, contribute, and discover your potential, not from any lack or dissatisfaction. Avoid mentioning death, and instead frame it around self-development and mutual support.
Before bringing it up again, take time to plan. Do your research. What exactly do you want to do? How will it work? How will it fit into your daily routine without affecting your home or marriage? Being prepared shows seriousness and maturity and may make him more willing to listen.
It may interest you to know that buying gold is itself a form of business. You can continue to grow that investment or diversify into other areas, like saving through platforms such as PiggyVest or buying land without running a conventional business.
Know that social media can be very deceptive. Many people you see online are not as successful as they appear. Some are in deep debt, while others exaggerate their progress. Focus on your blessings and your path; don’t let online content make you feel small or pressured.
Additionally, remember that being a stay-at-home wife and mother is a noble role in Islam. It gives you the chance to raise your children properly, teach them values and deen, and support your husband in countless unseen ways. You can also use this time to seek knowledge, enrol in online Islamic or professional courses, and grow personally.
Finally, always turn to Allah. Contentment is a treasure, and if it is truly good for you to start something, Allah will create the way and soften your husband’s heart at the right time. Keep praying for wisdom, patience, and guidance.
With love, Sis Eesher.
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