NP’s Family Dynamics With Sis Eesher: Intimacy and Financial Stress in Marriage
Dear Sis Eesher,
What do you do when you have tried every possible means to strengthen intimacy in your marriage, yet nothing changes?
My wife has repeatedly said her reason for not being interested in sex is that we are going through a financial strain. It has been over a year now, and within that period, we have only had sexual intimacy about five times.
I lost my job two years ago, and I am still trying to get another one. Our savings ran out about a year ago, and since then, my wife has been covering about 80% of our expenses. I still try my best to support in the little ways I can.
To ease her stress, I took over the kitchen entirely. I buy the groceries 100%, I cook, I clean, and I do the laundry. I truly appreciate her sacrifices and efforts during this phase.
However, it has also affected our emotional connection. She rarely says “I love you,” she doesn’t hug me, or show any form of affection. Whenever I try to talk about intimacy, it turns into conflict. So I stopped bringing it up about four months ago because I felt I was sounding like a broken record.
I have not cheated, and I do not have the desire to cheat. I love my wife and children deeply. But the emotional distance is affecting my mental health. I have withdrawn into myself; I hardly talk or play anymore. I feel like I am losing myself.
At this point, I am questioning if it is wrong to have expectations of intimacy in marriage while going through financial hardship.
I would appreciate your thoughts, and the advice of your readers as well.
Dear Anonymous,
First, I want to commend you…. in the face of financial hardship and emotional pain, you have remained patient, responsible, and committed to your marriage and your family. This says a lot about the sincerity of your love and the strength of your character. May Allah reward you for your endurance — Amin.
Now, let us be clear about something: Emotional and physical intimacy are not luxuries in marriage. They are foundational needs. Wanting intimacy with your spouse is not selfish, insensitive, or unreasonable — it is human, natural, and part of what keeps the marriage bond alive. So, no, your expectations are not wrong.
However, your wife is also going through something. For many women, especially in cultures like ours, financial stability is tied to emotional safety. When finances are shaky, some women become tense, anxious, or withdrawn. They may feel like they are carrying the world on their shoulders, and this emotional weight can shut down their desire for intimacy.
This doesn’t mean her response is right, but it helps us understand it.
READ ALSO: NP’s Family Dynamics with Eesher: When a parent becomes the test..
Here is where the issue truly lies:
Instead of the two of you being partners against the problem, the problem has turned you into two separate islands.
The solution starts with communication, but not the kind of communication that says, “We need to have sex.”
Rather, communication that says:
“I miss my friend.”
“I miss being close to you emotionally.”
“How are you truly feeling?”*
“Where do you feel unsupported?”
“How can we handle this hardship as a team again?”
Put intimacy talk aside for now, and try to reconnect emotionally.
Here are practical steps for emotional reconnection.
1. Schedule a calm conversation, not during an argument, not at night when everyone is tired.
2. Focus on emotions not complaints.
3. Let her express herself without defending yourself in the moment.
4. After she speaks, gently express your own needs, not as demands, but as hopes.
6. Continue your efforts in job-seeking, but do not let the situation define your worth as a man.
And lastly, do not isolate yourself. Extroverts collapse internally when they suppress their natural form of expression. Find a healthy outlet — masjid community, volunteering, or a skill-building circle. This will help your mental health and confidence.
Final Words
Marriage is not tested by days of ease, but by days like this. You have shown love — now the task is to rebuild the connection.
May Allah soften both of your hearts towards each other, restore affection, and open doors of sustenance beyond your imagination, amin.
With prayers, Sis Eesher
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